A Woman’s Mid-Life Crisis
I can almost feel myself
losing weight....knowing you are reading this!
You'll understand at the end.
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life, women no longer have upper arms. We have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts. We are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror, and you can see your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life, your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body-By-Jake now includes Legs-By-Rand-McNally – with more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of
Mid-life means that you become more reflective . . . You start pondering the "big" questions. “What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?”
But Mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy, and I'm sticking to it!
If you pass these tips along to four women, you will lose two pounds.
If you pass this along to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.
If you say, “Ahh, fugetabodit,” you’ll immediately gain 10 more pounds.
It all started with a Hot 25 Yr Old Blonde
Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed...............